Redefining “Home”: The Expat Shift No One Warns You About

Let’s talk about the H-word.

Not hello (though that can be tricky in a new language too), but home — that word that once felt so simple, so solid...until you packed up and moved abroad.

Because the thing is, living abroad doesn’t just stretch your comfort zone; it rewires your sense of identity. And one of the most unexpected parts is realizing that the place you once called “home” no longer feels like it fits.

I remember one of my first trips back to the U.S. after I’d been living in France. It was post-9/11, and I was ready to reconnect — with my family, the food, and the familiarity of home. I expected some emotional whiplash, sure, but nothing too dramatic.

But then I hit customs.

The agent flipped through my passport, asked what I was doing in France. I told him: I was studying, dating someone French, living my life. Then came a question I’ll never forget:

“Why are you living in France? Don’t you love your country?”

It landed like a punch. I stood there, stunned, waiting for the usual “Welcome home.” Instead, I felt like a stranger being judged for…growing?

That moment was the first time I realized: I had changed. I didn’t feel fully American anymore, at least not in the way I used to. And I definitely didn’t feel at home.

When “Home” Becomes a Moving Target

Over the years, the same theme kept coming up. I’d return “home” only to feel slightly out of sync, like I was visiting someone else’s country. The jokes didn’t land the same. The political conversations were more fraught. Even the grocery store layouts confused me.

Reverse culture shock is real, and no one really warns you about it. The more time you spend living abroad, the more your inner compass shifts. You develop new rhythms, new habits, even new ways of thinking. You become someone who can exist in multiple cultures, and simultaneously feel like you don’t fully belong to any of them.

It’s disorienting at times. But also kind of…freeing.

Because here’s what I’ve learned: “Home” isn’t just a place on a map. It’s a feeling. It’s where you feel seen, safe, and a little more yourself. Sometimes that’s with family back where you grew up. Sometimes it’s with new friends in your adopted country. And sometimes it’s in your own rituals, your own growth, your own heart...no matter where you are.

If You're in the Middle of This Identity Shift

If you’ve ever gone back “home” only to feel like a fish out of water who now needs to ask where the peanut butter aisle is…

If you’ve ever felt guilty for loving your new country just as much as — or more than — the old one…

If you’ve ever felt like you should feel something that you don’t anymore…

I see you. And you’re not broken; you’re evolving.

The truth is, living abroad is a profound act of transformation, and sometimes that means letting go of old definitions, including what “home” means. And when it all feels murky, messy, or just plain weird — that’s okay, too.

When “Home” Starts to Mean Something Different

Living abroad can change our relationship with home in ways we don’t always expect.

We can remain deeply connected to where we came from while building relationships, memories, routines, and whole chapters of our lives somewhere else. And sometimes along the way, our old definition of home no longer quite fits.

After more than 25 years in France, that less visible side of living abroad has become the focus of my work as a Life Abroad Integration Coach. I help expats and immigrants understand the gap that can exist between having a life abroad that works on the outside and actually feeling settled, connected, and at home in the life they’re building.

If you’ve ever found yourself wondering where home is now, where you belong, or why you can have a perfectly functioning life abroad and still not feel completely settled within it, I’d love to welcome you into Thrive On Through Life Abroad, my free Skool community for people navigating the emotional side of building a life somewhere else.

It’s a place to have more of the conversations we don’t always have enough of about identity, belonging, connection, relationships, and what it really takes to make a life abroad feel like home.

Come join us inside Thrive On Through Life Abroad.