The Myth of "Having It All Together" Abroad

What we don’t see behind the social media highlight reel — and what to remember when you feel like you're the only one struggling.

When you picture life abroad, what comes to mind?

Maybe it’s cobblestone streets, slow-sipped cappuccinos, and a perfectly-filtered skyline from a charming city balcony. Maybe it’s an Instagram reel of joyful market strolls, fresh flowers in hand, smiling selfies with pastel-colored shutters in the background. Maybe it’s someone you follow who seems to have mastered expat life: bilingual, social, stylish, and always in the right place at the right time.

Here’s the truth: that version of expat life is real…but it’s only part of the story.

What we don’t often see online are the moments right before or after the photo was taken. The deep loneliness after the market stroll. The mini-meltdown before the selfie. The overwhelming effort it took just to find the right trash bag, decode the apartment buzzer, or figure out how to make a doctor’s appointment.

And that “perfect” expat you admire? She cried in the bakery last week. The person behind the counter didn’t understand her accent. Someone cut in line and she didn’t know the social protocol. It wasn’t about the bread…it was about feeling invisible and exhausted and unsure.

She posted a croissant later. No one knew.

Behind Every Highlight, There’s a Hard Day Too

We all curate our lives online, even if we try to be real about it. But this is especially true in the expat world. Because when you’re far from home and trying to prove (to others and to yourself) that you’ve made the right decision, it’s tempting to only show the shiny parts.

There’s pride in saying “Look, I’m doing it! I built a life abroad!” And you are doing it. But doing it doesn’t mean you aren’t struggling.

The truth is, many expats face a kind of silent shame when things don’t look or feel perfect. Especially when comparison kicks in.

You could be scrolling, and you see:

• An expat couple celebrating their anniversary at a vineyard. (While you just had your third argument about the Wi-Fi not working.)

• A solo traveler glowing with confidence and independence. (Meanwhile, you haven’t figured out how to recharge your metro card and you're tired of eating alone.)

• Someone who just got their visa approved and landed a dream job. (And here you are, still fumbling through job listings and wondering if you even belong here.)

  
  

It’s easy to believe you’re the only one still struggling. But appearances are often deceiving.

Living Abroad Isn’t an Aesthetic. It’s a Whole Life.

Living abroad isn’t just brunch with a breathtaking view or making local friends at the market. It’s also breaking down in public because you couldn’t understand the pharmacist. It’s losing your cool while on hold with the immigration office. It’s eating cereal for dinner because you’re too tired to translate a recipe.

Even the most confident, well-adjusted expats have messy days.

They doubt. They miscommunicate. They forget words. They wonder if they made a huge mistake.

And here’s something else we don’t talk about enough: Looking put together doesn’t mean feeling put together.

Someone can wear the right shoes, post polished content, seem totally in their element…and still be navigating grief, disconnection, identity shifts, and stress behind the scenes.

They might be wondering if their friends back home still think of them. They might be replaying an awkward interaction in their head for the third time that week. They might be wondering who they’re becoming in the midst of all this change, and whether they’ll still recognize themselves when it’s all over with.

It’s okay if that someone is you.

If You Feel Messy Some Days, That’s Absolutely Normal

You are not broken. You’re human…and you’re doing something really hard.

You moved away from everything familiar — language, food, humor, culture, systems, people — on purpose. You’re trying to create a new version of life from scratch. That takes emotional energy most people can’t even fathom.

You’re learning how to live in a place where the smallest tasks require huge reserves of mental effort. You’re grieving old comforts and routines. You’re navigating a sea of “firsts” while carrying the full weight of adulthood.

So if some days feel like you’ve got it together, and other days feel like you’re unraveling a little?

That’s completely normal.

It doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re growing.

Let’s Normalize the Whole Story

If you’ve ever felt like the “only one” who hasn’t figured it all out yet, let this be your reminder:

That smiling couple you saw on Instagram? They were arguing about internet bills earlier.

That new friend who’s always surrounded by people? She feels deeply alone at night.

That expat coach who seems so wise and calm? (Hi. It’s me.) She cried on her first trip to the Sorbonne office to register for classes because the metro was confusing and she couldn’t understand a single sign.

We are all doing our best. And none of us have it all together.

So next time you find yourself spiraling into comparison or self-doubt, try this:

Pause. Breathe. Zoom out.

Remind yourself that what you’re seeing online is a curated glimpse. And your life — your real, raw, beautiful, messy life — is just as valid. Just as worthy.

You don’t have to be perfect to belong.

You don’t have to have all the answers to move forward.

You don’t have to wait until you “feel better” to start feeling at home.

Just keep showing up.

One day, one awkward moment, one small win at a time.

Eventually, things will fall into place.

Not perfectly.

But authentically.

And that’s even better.

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Need some additional support on your expat journey?

As an expat coach who’s been living abroad since 2000, I work with people just like you who are navigating change, big feelings, and identity shifts with no script.

Let’s make this journey more balanced more grounded, and a lot more human.

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