The Pressure of Expat Gratitude: When Living Abroad Isn’t All Sunshine

When you move abroad, there’s a certain pressure to always sound thankful. You’re told how lucky you are, how brave you must be, how other people would trade places with you in a heartbeat. And you are grateful: for the adventure, the change, the growth, the chance to experience something so different from the life you left behind.

But if you’ve lived abroad long enough, you probably know what most people don’t talk about: sometimes, gratitude starts to feel like another form of pressure. You smile, say all the right things, and nod along when people back home say how amazing your life must be. Meanwhile, you quietly wonder why something still feels a little off.

You start to question yourself. Shouldn’t I be happier? This is the opportunity of a lifetime…so why do I feel stuck, lonely, and tired all the time? And why does admitting that out loud feel like a betrayal of something I really wanted?

That’s the hidden emotional layer many expats wrestle with: the guilt that comes from not feeling grateful “enough”.

The “Lucky to Be Here” Trap

It usually starts with the best of intentions. You remind yourself to “look on the bright side” when things are hard. You tell yourself others have it worse, or that you should be thankful for this opportunity, even when you’re struggling to adapt or missing home so much it hurts.

And it’s true: gratitude is powerful. It helps us notice the good things that might otherwise slip past us. But when it turns into a rule — something you owe the world — it loses its healing power and becomes something else entirely: self-silencing.

That’s when you start editing yourself in conversations. You stop mentioning the parts that are messy, confusing, or disappointing because you don’t want to sound ungrateful or negative. You minimize your struggles, telling yourself that homesickness is a “first-world problem” or that others have “real issues”.

And before you know it, you’ve created a kind of emotional split: the version of you who looks grateful and composed on the outside, and the one who feels disconnected on the inside.

When Gratitude Turns Into Guilt

Living abroad has a way of intensifying emotions. The highs feel higher: the views, the food, the discoveries, the novelty of it all. But the lows can feel sharper too. A bad day back home might be inconvenient; a bad day abroad can feel like a personal failure.

You burn out faster when everything requires extra effort, from deciphering paperwork to finding a doctor who speaks your language. You miss simple comforts like chatting with a friend without needing to translate your thoughts, or buying groceries without wondering if you remembered the right word for “sour cream”.

And yet, the moment you try to express how hard it is, someone will remind you how lucky you are to live where you do. They mean well, but it can leave you feeling unseen, as if you gave up the right to struggle because you chose this life.

That’s when gratitude becomes guilt. You start to think, I shouldn’t feel this way. You tell yourself that feeling frustrated or lonely somehow cancels out your appreciation for the good parts.

But it doesn’t.

You can be deeply grateful for your life abroad and still have moments of confusion, grief, or exhaustion. Gratitude and struggle can coexist…they’re not opposites.

A Personal Moment That Changed My Perspective

I still remember one of my early years in France when I caught myself apologizing for missing home. I had just gotten off a Skype call with my family back in the U.S.; it was Thanksgiving, and I was trying to sound upbeat. I mentioned I was a little homesick, but quickly followed it up with, “But hey, there are worse places to be than Paris, right?”

When I disconnected, I realized I’d said it out of guilt, not truth. I didn’t want to seem ungrateful, even to the people who loved me most.

That moment stuck with me because it revealed how hard I was trying to prove that I was okay and that I was “making the most” of life abroad. No one was actually asking me to feel that way; I was just saying the words I thought they needed to hear.

It took years to realize that being honest about my feelings didn’t mean I was failing to show gratitude; I had misunderstood the concept altogether. Gratitude isn’t about pretending things are fine. It’s about recognizing both the beauty and the challenges in the life you’re living.

You Don’t Have to Earn Your Gratitude

There’s this idea that gratitude is something you earn: that you have to be perfectly adjusted, fluent, and thriving before you can truly deserve to feel it. But gratitude doesn’t require perfection. It’s not something you unlock once everything feels easy again.

In fact, some of the most profound moments of gratitude come because of the hard parts.

When you get through another layer of culture shock. When you find some small comfort — a familiar scent, a favorite food, a kind gesture — that grounds you in a foreign country. When you realize you’ve built something of your own, however imperfect it may be.

Real, authentic gratitude leaves room for the hard parts too.

Learning to Be Honest About Both

If you’ve been abroad for a while, you’ve probably had this experience: someone asks how life overseas is going, and you hesitate. Because the real answer depends on the day.

Some days it’s magical. You walk along cobblestone streets, look up at the architecture, and can’t believe this is your life. Other days, it’s lonely. You miss the ease of being understood, or you feel like you’re operating in a world that doesn’t quite fit.

It’s okay to say both.

One of the healthiest things you can do as an expat is to practice honest gratitude — the kind that makes room for joy and discomfort at the same time. You can be thankful for the opportunity and still acknowledge that it’s hard sometimes. You can love where you are and still miss where you came from.

This kind of honesty doesn’t make you less grateful; it makes your gratitude real.

Letting Go of the Gratitude Performance

The longer you live abroad, the more you’ll notice the subtle ways you’ve been practicing gratitude like a performance art: sometimes for others, and sometimes for yourself. You post photos that highlight the beauty and charm, but not the loneliness. You tell your family you’re fine because you don’t want them to worry. You remind yourself to “stay positive” when what you really need is to just take a breath and admit you’re tired.

Letting go of that performance doesn’t mean you’re giving up on gratitude. It means you’re choosing to make space for your whole experience: both the parts that sparkle and the parts that sting.

Because that’s where the real growth happens.

The Lesson in It All

If you’ve ever felt guilty for not feeling grateful enough, you’re not alone. Almost every expat I’ve ever spoken with has had that same internal tug-of-war between gratitude and honesty.

But here’s what I’ve learned after more than two decades abroad: the real power of gratitude isn’t in pretending everything’s perfect. It’s in letting yourself feel it all…the joy, the homesickness, the wonder, the fatigue…and still choosing to show up fully in your life.

You can appreciate where you are without having to love every single part of it.

Because gratitude that feels real — not performed — is what keeps you grounded through every phase of this expat life.

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Do you ever feel guilty for not feeling “grateful enough” for your life abroad?

You’re not alone...and you don’t have to navigate those mixed emotions on your own.

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